Our Sentiments

Mothering and Life in General

Who Needs Mothers?

Below is a frustration entry I wrote about being looked down on for taking this mothering business ‘too far’ by the mothers who believe Attachment Parenting unimportant. Although it sounds like I was belittling all mothers who go out for me-time or work out of the home and calling them un-motherly and wrong, it truly was not my intent. These where ideas and feelings I needed to address at the time. I was going to edit this but I objected, because this blog was created for gathering up my thoughts as our daughter was growing. Again, this post was not meant to insult and I apologize ahead of time if it does.

For the past 18 months this is a question that has been my obsession. In the age of Cradles, Cribs, Stroller, ‘Entertainers’, TV’s, Bouncers, Formula Feeding without trying out Breastfeeding. I often wondered if everyone is right, that I have first time mom syndrome. But seriously if we can be replaced, who needs Mothers.

I wonder why couples try to get pregnant, then rush the baby off to separation. Is it because that is what they only know? Why is it OK to let a child Cry ‘it’ Out, but not OK for me to still to this day only ‘let’ out daughter cry for the amount of time it takes to get me to her? Why do I get frowned on, when I take our daughter everywhere with me? Why do I get judged because I choose to Breastfeed and Extend Nurse?

Why is it normal to have a child in another room, but not close to you? Why is it important for others that my baby Sleep Through The Night? Why is it important to others how long I will Breastfeed or Babywear our Daughter  in ‘that thing’? Why is it the norm to have everyone else parent your child, but again, the mother is replaced. I should be going out, and having fun! I should go out for a drink with a friend, and our Daughter left without me somewhere missing me, and I return, missing her. Again, Who needs Mothers?

My answer: I choose to be her mother. I choose to have her have me, and all of me. I choose that for her. I know I ‘don’t’ need to do it, she ‘could’ grow up quite fine without me. But she was my choice, I could have not had her right? She never chose to be in this unloving world. I choose to be in arms reach at all times, and snuggle her throughout the night. I choose to hear her coo at night while she dreams instead of alone in other room. I choose to give her my body, just the same as when I was making her. This is what I choose, so why is it so wrong. After all Who need’s mothers?

I am tired of hearing that the problem between DH and I is because we don’t have dates together or have ‘our’ time alone. Or that time with ‘just the two of us’ is the medicine and a quick fix. But In my opinion, why? When we choose to be parents. Our baby needs us now, not just anyone else. We chose to have her, she should be apart of our lives. She should be able to go where ever we go, besides, that is where she belongs. Why am I frowned on when it comes to this and told I just don’t want to put the effort in to the relationship or that it’s the only way. I don’t believe time away from our Daughter can help DH and I get on ‘track’ because our Daughter is not the problem. I want her next to me, I want her around, because I am her mother and he her father, But really who needs a mother?

Why is everyone wanting to sell me these new shoes, that I don’t want. You know, those that are nicely coloured and always shiny, the one’s you go on the town with and ‘have fun’. Where you forget those mother shoes, that are kinda tight, kinda dingy, kinda ugly-looking, sometimes frustrating, but they are worked in and yet comfortable, besides it’s all you have to show for besides the lack of sleep. I don’t like these new shoes everyone is trying to get me to wear. I don’t think I am ready for them just yet, maybe someday though when she’s older. Right now I choose to be the mother that no one needs.

Maybe I have taken this mothering business to the extreme? Maybe I am just a first time mother with a syndrome. I hope that I am not, and I hope that I can find the words that sink in to Kevin and everyone else. I am not a martyr, I am a mother; I am not forgetting about me, I am re-creating me; I love my daughter, and I thought I would never have her, she is chosen to be our first and last. I want to experience everything. I choose her to have flesh and not plastic, fluff, or ribbon. People before things is my motherly motto, I just sometimes forget with the hardships of trying to be the barrier of ‘Who needs a mother’?

So who needs a mother? Can anyone tell me this? Maybe I am just to emotional, over-barring maybe? Who needs to be comforted when they cry or upset, or given milk that has proven to heal, or cradling arms that seems to sooth, or the voice that breaks glass but often brings your child a smile or delight, or eyes for a child to look into like they know who you are. Who needs that? Who needs that? Who needs a mother?

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9 responses to “Who Needs Mothers?

  1. Erin W. November 30, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    What a BEAUTIFUL post. Seriously. And I can relate SO much!! Let me ask you this: What the hell is so wrong with having a child whose needs are met quickly and efficiently by the one person custom made for the job? My child is not spoiled. I let her try to figure things out for herself. I just choose to intervene when I see that she’s not getting it, but before she gets frustrated by it. Waiting until your child is in a screaming fit before giving her what she needs is not the way to go.
    I don’t criticize other parents for the way they raise their children. I wish they would quit criticizing me for choosing to be more involved.

  2. Our Sentiments December 1, 2009 at 1:21 am

    You asked my million dollar question (not that I have it to give to you LOL) “What is wrong with having a child whose needs are met?” I think it’s because it is the norm to have children on for show, and if you take that extra bit of care in anything then you become over-barring and controlling. I too, believe that showing love is not spoiling, you only spoil a child with things. I love it when people say to me you’ll be sorry, but I will save that for another entry 😉

    I do the same I intervene before she gets frustrated, because in frustration learning stops, and that is what play and exploring is all about. I will admit in the beginning I was so used to doing things for her before she asked, but I am a lot better at it thanks to my father ❤

    I am glad you like it. I am enjoying… sorry that is not the word… I am understanding fully about your last few entries. I wish you can split up news feeds between those who want to hear/read about Breastfeeding and then those who don't get your other feeds. I guess that would be asking too much. LOL.

  3. Pingback: Who Needs Fathers? No seriously… « P.S. House

  4. auniqueperspective December 2, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    Thanks for your comment on my response to your article. I did edit the original post b/c there was an error in my list and some minor grammatical mistakes. By no means did I mean to classify you as a detached parent! I simply had the two switched in my late night post. It should read as follows:

    Dp’ers do the following:

    leave their children for dates
    Sleep alone with their spouses no co-sleeping
    formula feed
    let em cry it out
    TV as babysitter
    Use entertainer

    AP’ers do the following:
    Take baby everywhere attached to them if possible
    Breast feed
    No TV
    Avoid passive restraints for child
    co-sleep
    No dates or single time with spouse

    I will read your other entries and I hope all is well with the adventures in parenting.

    Regards
    PS

    • Our Sentiments December 3, 2009 at 2:20 am

      Hello again,

      I hope you did not think of me as snitty before. I was honestly confused when reading the first draft. Please understand I am new here and finding my way around. So I really didn’t know how to take the attention from Twitter. I was also really confused because I did not know where you and your wife found me 🙂 Most of the people that come to look in are from blogs I visited or people I know.

      I liked how you added more on your view of things, I can understand where you are coming from better now. Becoming a new parent is hard on both parties. Especially when both believe in different things. I can only write on a mother’s perspective, I hate talking for others.

      In closing, there is no hard feelings, I am sure we can agree to disagree on things. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  5. Ticia April 16, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    I can totally relate to this article!! I get so much grief about my parenting….and sadly a lot of the time from family members. It’s saddening. I did a post of a similar topic not that long ago, because as i’ve grown during my mothering years my prospective has as well.

  6. Steffanie August 25, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Is there a middle ground somewhere? I have no children yet, my husband and I are talking about starting to try soon. We are loving, nurturing, caring people who want more than anything to share this with a child. BUT, we are financially responsible for this baby and ourselves so I will need to be a working mother. I’ll be breast feeding for as long as I possibly can, I will pump when away from my child, and I will only work part-time (which is 2 days in my profession) but I will be forced to have some separation from my baby. I agree that everything you do is IDEAL and what I would love to be doing. While I will take my baby everywhere, I must work and be separated. Is this delicate balance of mothering and abandonment shattered because of a part-time job?? I want to have a baby more than anything, we’ve been married for nearly 4 years and we are ready, but now I worry about finding a middle ground.

    • Our Sentiments August 25, 2010 at 11:52 pm

      I could understand fully what you are talking about. I did mention that this post sounds insulting to mother’s who work out of the home or want me time. I did not write with those two things in mind. I wrote this for many other personal reasons, in which I will brief further on further down.

      After reading this, before I posted publicly a few years later, I noticed that some might think this is a typical stay-at-home-mom vs working-out-of-home-mom retort. This is not the case. It was me thinking about the available time I have, I spend with my child, and how that is wrong in everyone else’s eyes (mostly the in-laws).

      This post was for me to vent my frustrations of how it’s ok and ‘normal’ for mother’s to be away from their children, yet if a mother has no issues with taking their children where ever they go, and do not mind their children being around is wrong. It’s a vent towards society and how it’s made mothers be separated from their child and it being normal. That if a mother goes to work and gets teary eyed she is looked down upon because she misses her children. Her feelings dismissed. Do you know how many times I have heard “What did you think was going to happen after children”, or “Oh, give it a few you will get used to it”. Really? I don’t think we do, we mask it.

      It’s about the mother’s natural need to be close to their children, yet denied the feelings and made to feel she should be different. It’s about my newborn daughter being denied her mother’s arms because the in-laws thinks to pick up a child is spoiling. It’s about being a Canadian and having 1 year off, yet being asked why I don’t go out, why she is in that thing (Moby Wrap), and how she should learn independence before she’s ready. It’s about being strange the I don’t go drinking every weekend like all my other friends, because I am honestly more happy being at home.

      It’s about time and time again where I will be happy with my daughter’s time and people telling me I am obsessed, I need medication and I should stop being a mother hen. It’s about being told I am too ‘into’ my daughter and for some reason wanting to see her firsts before I return to work is strange. It’s about hearing parents on Facebook call out their relieves because their children go back to school and I seem to be the only one that just wants time to stand still a few more minutes so I can memorize her doing the letter ‘H’.

      Everything in this post is very much personal, and not name calling like the way that is sounds. It’s my experience with my mothering. What I have personally been subjected too. I don’t tell everything, but there are underlining demons and mistrust with family members (mostly the in-laws). I parent the way I do to break cycles, to somehow be the mother I never had.

      I am in no way I am saying I parent better, I am saying I think this is right for K2 and I. I don’t just a mother wanting to have her space, or going to work, but yet because I ‘need’ to work, like you would be, I am forced to suck it up and deal. I am weird for that, I need help for that, I am not normal for that. I should want my space, my own comforts, but really all I want is to be in the happiness of my family. When I am stressed I don’t need time away, I just need to have my family leveled out again. This is weird, strange, not normal.

      K2 might not understand why I did the things I did, but I can go to bed knowing that I tried my best to raise her to choose people over things, that a hug and a kiss means more than a blanket or a toy. It’s more than I ever got. This post is about a promise I made when I first held K2 in my arms and I fight to keep every single day.

      When you become a parent (I hate that saying, sounds so demeaning, but I don’t mean it in those terms), no matter what you do will seem like there is no middle ground, you need to assess what is right for you and your family, if it feels wrong, don’t do it. Find other means. Follow your heart and not what people say, most of all get the story from both sides, it will open your eyes real wide. Do I think that you having or even choosing to work is wrong, no. Not at all, what I think is wrong is people telling mother’s they should not feel that void, that mother’s should not mother. It’s what I have been told all these years.

      Not to scare you away, but parenting is the biggest guilt trip you will have be on. I wish all my fellow mothers all the best luck in doing what they can do. I know it’s a struggle and it’s so easy to loose your way. Good luck my friend and thank you for stopping by.

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