Mothering and Life in General
As a parent I often struggle with self-doubt, not from my personal parenting practices, but for my personal choices. As a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mother. I was always found putting my babies under my shirt to pretend I was pregnant or breastfeeding my bears (which is weird to me, because my mother stopped nursing when I was still a Newborn). Even then when asked I would say “I want only one”.
I remember when my sister arrived and us growing up together. I remember fighting each other and I also remember loving each other. I was another caregiver to her, someone to look up too. Still people asked “Don’t you want your child to have another, just like you?” No offense to my sister, she was great, but I always said “I want only one”.
As I grew up, when others where playing with ideas of what they wanted to be when they reached adulthood, I wanted to be a mother. I took parenting and child development classes and things about the mind. I remember then, my school councilor would always call me down to do more evaluations about what field I would be good in.
I know she was helping or at least trying, but she would always, never failed, call me down during the above classes or in Art. I don’t know why it could not have been Math or Gym. I remember telling her “I want to be a mother! That’s what I am going to be, I know I will be good in all sorts of areas, but I want to be a mother and I only want one!”
After graduating High School, I found my thoughts of my future, most of the time it was with one child. Although, I gave credit too others who have more than one and still do to this day. I just wanted one. It was not until a personal health matter made things clearer. Not only did I want only one, but I was lucky if I ended up with one.
It was hard during my early adult life to think if I would have my dream of having a child, becoming a mother. I knew I could get pregnant, but it was whether I could carry. There were three times that I began the dream, and once that it continued.
So why do I write this? There are times I think about when our Daughter will ask why only her? I would not want her to think she was my reason of stopping. I am tied about telling her my truth, in case we are blessed with another. What will I say then? I would not want the second child feeling they where not loved.
I wanted one, for what some would call selfish reasons, I feel I am only good enough for one. I don’t think I could do a great job like other parents who have more. I am in wonder, how bigger families efficiently divide their time to each child. I just don’t think my personality would make it a good fit.
Now that I have only one, I look at her and I am satisfied, my family accomplished and my dream complete, but what is right for me, right for her? I know she has the best of both worlds because she has a sister from her father, and two angle brothers or sisters but not a sibling all the time. Is this good for her? Is this what she needs? Only time will tell, and that is what scares me. Did I make the right choice for everyone?
Just in case you are wondering what my truth is it’s this:
If I was guaranteed to have another just like her, I would have a million. If I could do it over again I would, but only if at the end was her. I do find myself, thinking about a baby, but it was her being that baby. In all honesty our Daughter brought forth such goodness to our family and home.
She’s created a lot of joy, I am happy to have her. To correct myself I am grateful to have her. She delights and fascinates me. I am honoured to share most of her milestones. But mostly, my heart increases in size each and every time, she looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says “Mommy… I lul you.”
At that moment, I know in my heart, I only want one.