Mothering and Life in General
I am She-Ra!
I am so glad I am the mother I am today. I don’t know how my parenting would be like if I stuck with the frame of mind – to do it all. When I was pregnant I thought I could, I had neat little plans, it’s really silly to think about it now.
Yes, I thought I could do everything, from setting my relationships in order, going back to work, keeping the house, doing family obligations, catch-up with friends, go to school, looking after K2, and mothering me. I know some women could do it, but again, with my personality I was looking for a burn out in about 5 hours. I am what you can call a perfectionist. In every development of my being I need to do it perfectly, my perfect.
I find it funny that my pregnancy list-to-do grew while I was on bed rest and unable to do any of it. Unpack from moving, paint the baby’s room, buy a crib, wash the baby’s clothes for the second time and organize from boy and girl, call EI for maternity benefits, put the cradle up, figure out how to get the car-seat into the car, pack the over night bag… AGAIN, read the last 4 weeks in the pregnancy book, make the gift registry, arrange the baby shower, phone back people who called, CLEAN THIS GOD FORSAKEN HOUSE!
But the list directed to haunting empty promises. Wow, the women I thought I could be, I thought I could do this when K2 came back from the hospital. I am laughing as I typed that. Along with K2’s painful cries, I think this is where the stress lays. I did not take advantage of the first half of naps when K2 slept, I quickly did the dishes and when I was done and just rested my head on the pillow K2 would be awake again. It also reminds me I never did have a moment to myself in the beginning.
Before K2 I was a DIY on everything, never asking for the remoteness of help. In actuality it was hard to admit that I could not do it myself. When growing up I lived with a split family. In the house full of girls, and I was the oldest daughter, I was the ‘man of the house’. I was She-Ra, hear me roar! I never cared if I used the improper tools or how long it took me or even if I was doing it the hard way. Things needed to get done and I was the only person too it.
That frame of mind has taken me into adulthood. Although I am slowly, very slowly learning that people can offer help, it’s whether I actually trust them to not go behind my back on certain things. Is it healthy? Probably not, but that is how I feel. I spent the first year and a half fighting for a lot of things mainly breastfeeding, not CIO and babywearing/picking up K2. For most of my ‘support’ to go behind my back.I have became a person who trusts a handful (if that) of people and to make matters worse. These people are not the same has his trusted people. Well excluding my sister.
As K2 got older, things are better, since I am not the main caregiver, AND she can now tell me things. She has taking to DH quit greatly actually. Me? I am loving every minute of it!I am just sadden that DH and K2 did not have this relationship when she was a baby (that’s another post).
I still do believe that it’s either DH or I that looks after K2 in her young age. Which others think as wrong. Since things have gotten a little easier so far, I am sure things will be great when she adjusts and grows. Well here’s to hoping… Cheers!