Our Sentiments

Mothering and Life in General

Someone Else Said It Better

I don’t usually admit this, but I am in tears now. Yes I am the strong one, the only one, but mostly the lonely one. I rarely show emotions other than anger, happiness or numbness. Nothing was in between, well until K2 came along and added pride and joy.

So why am I at this point of this unusual emotion? Well I was reading my blog roll and getting caught up with everyone, before my internet goes down. I was reading PhD in Parenting, she again got to me. I first teared up then because everyone was sleeping I let a few out. She really got me when she quoted “Jennifer Van Laanen, formerly known as Mango Mama“.

Ms. Van Laanen’s relationship situation is a different story than ours, but her feelings ache me. I feel those too. I also have done and still doing the mothering things.

DH and I started to part ways while I was pregnant. Still today, although I love him endlessly, I still resent him for that. It was my first pregnancy that went past 2 months. I got to hear the heartbeat, I got the sickness and I got a belly. I could not share that with him. I should say he was not that interested, because this was his second child. He’s been through this before, it was nothing new.

He was different with other expectant mothers though. I guess I was jealous. When they came into our home, he would gloat over them. Give them water, ask if they where hungry. I would go to the baby isles by myself to look for baby things and would feel grossly sick because I seen a lovable couple together cooing over bibs. I left the store. I felt alone.

The one time in our relationship that I needed him and he was not there. The person who supported me emotionally, times before, was gone. He was gone. He was dead. Life was never like this before, I mourned him.

I did what I think anyone else would do, and focused on the baby. I thought he was getting scared, at least that was what the books told me. They also said he’d come around…

I still feel there is a wall between us because of this situation. There is a lot of resentment and pain that tears me up to have. There is nothing that can change the past, I would do it all again if I had the chance. I just get worn from fighting the urge to scream at him. To scream “WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!”

There was a lot that happened over the past 4 years that I am not proud of and I am sure neither is he.  I just don’t understand how we got here. Why I feel and can relate to Jennifer Van Laanen? I don’t understand how I can hate someone so much that I truly do love.

I know those who read this it might sound jumbled, I am not telling you everything. It’s in the past,  I just wanted to share something that hit home to me and the root of why it did. I did not relate to Jennifer Van Laanen because my DH had no interest in the children. I can relate to her because my DH had no interest in me for having K2 and because of this I focused my attention on her in hopes he’d/we’d come around. He is, we are. But slowly.

I also wanted to state my feelings about DH and my pregnancy does not show any way on or towards K2. I don’t get jealous of their relationship, I wish it happened sooner (then I would not have felt and did what Jennifer pointed out – be the perfect mom).

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4 responses to “Someone Else Said It Better

  1. Amber January 23, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Pregnancy is HARD. Or, at least, it was for me. I was super-sensitive and I had specific expectations in terms of my husband’s behaviour, and he didn’t always meet them. Not fun. I can look back on parts of it now, and laugh, but other parts will never be funny.

    My husband is a good husband and an excellent father. He is supportive and loving. But not always in the way I want him to be, and that is an ongoing struggle that comes with any relationship.

    I wish you peace.

    • Our Sentiments January 23, 2010 at 9:39 pm

      Thank you again Amber. I agree, pregnancy is hard and for each woman, she has something to climb. I do feel really badly for even complaining. It seems to be pregnancy story week in the blog world and I just finished Woman, Uncensored. My feelings are not just, compared to what these women had/have to go through. After reading this I think I might have had a minor case of it, except the medications for ‘morning sickness’ sometimes worked. I still got the dry heaves though.

  2. Erin W. / Beatnik Momma February 14, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    My husband was mostly supportive, so in the times he WASN’T, it was a shock to the system. When I was pregnant with our first daughter I got really sick with allergies. Worse than I’ve ever been before or after. And there was nothing I could take. So what did I do? I complained. Sure. One night he told me, “If I knew you were going to complain so much about being pregnant, I would have made you get an abortion!”

    Throughout both my pregnancies there were random moments like that. One minute he’d be asking me if I was hungry and if I wanted a bowl of cereal, and the next he’d be calling me a heifer. Those moments were few and far between, luckily, but they still rocked me each time they happened.

    I’m sorry if the way he’s acted during your pregnancy has driven a wedge between you and your husband. It’s not fair that just because he’s had a child before that he act like this is nothing new. It’s completely new – a new child, a new woman, a new life. If I am still resentful of my husband for the few and far betweens that he was unfair to me while I was pregnant, I can’t imagine how you must feel. If you ever need to talk, you have my email address and my Facebook. I miss talking to you.

    • Our Sentiments February 15, 2010 at 7:26 pm

      I miss talking to you too. right now I am on my sister’s laptop. I will be hooked up again hopefully in Thursday. I have been still writing so I will post them all soon. A lot to think about while there was no interruptions.

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