Mothering and Life in General
Someone Else Said It Better
I don’t usually admit this, but I am in tears now. Yes I am the strong one, the only one, but mostly the lonely one. I rarely show emotions other than anger, happiness or numbness. Nothing was in between, well until K2 came along and added pride and joy.
So why am I at this point of this unusual emotion? Well I was reading my blog roll and getting caught up with everyone, before my internet goes down. I was reading PhD in Parenting, she again got to me. I first teared up then because everyone was sleeping I let a few out. She really got me when she quoted “Jennifer Van Laanen, formerly known as Mango Mama“.
Ms. Van Laanen’s relationship situation is a different story than ours, but her feelings ache me. I feel those too. I also have done and still doing the mothering things.
DH and I started to part ways while I was pregnant. Still today, although I love him endlessly, I still resent him for that. It was my first pregnancy that went past 2 months. I got to hear the heartbeat, I got the sickness and I got a belly. I could not share that with him. I should say he was not that interested, because this was his second child. He’s been through this before, it was nothing new.
He was different with other expectant mothers though. I guess I was jealous. When they came into our home, he would gloat over them. Give them water, ask if they where hungry. I would go to the baby isles by myself to look for baby things and would feel grossly sick because I seen a lovable couple together cooing over bibs. I left the store. I felt alone.
The one time in our relationship that I needed him and he was not there. The person who supported me emotionally, times before, was gone. He was gone. He was dead. Life was never like this before, I mourned him.
I did what I think anyone else would do, and focused on the baby. I thought he was getting scared, at least that was what the books told me. They also said he’d come around…
I still feel there is a wall between us because of this situation. There is a lot of resentment and pain that tears me up to have. There is nothing that can change the past, I would do it all again if I had the chance. I just get worn from fighting the urge to scream at him. To scream “WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!”
There was a lot that happened over the past 4 years that I am not proud of and I am sure neither is he. I just don’t understand how we got here. Why I feel and can relate to Jennifer Van Laanen? I don’t understand how I can hate someone so much that I truly do love.
I know those who read this it might sound jumbled, I am not telling you everything. It’s in the past, I just wanted to share something that hit home to me and the root of why it did. I did not relate to Jennifer Van Laanen because my DH had no interest in the children. I can relate to her because my DH had no interest in me for having K2 and because of this I focused my attention on her in hopes he’d/we’d come around. He is, we are. But slowly.
I also wanted to state my feelings about DH and my pregnancy does not show any way on or towards K2. I don’t get jealous of their relationship, I wish it happened sooner (then I would not have felt and did what Jennifer pointed out – be the perfect mom).