Our Sentiments

Mothering and Life in General

When I Am Gone

The other night my sister and I had the ‘death talk’. It came out that a dear friend is very ill, right at this point; my sister is the only one that knows. It’s hard on her, but this is really not my story to tell right now.

This conversation lead to what I would want in and after death. I know this is not the greatest topic to talk about, but I think everyone should have it. I feel the more you talk about it the easier it is. Start off by talking about yourself as a third party, and take if from there. We can’t put up a front and think that it’s not going to happen. It is, we might not know when; but that is one main thing we were born to do – die.

To me, I am dead, what do I care what happens? However, closings are all for the living. The living will always second guess everything that is done. I don’t want my loved ones that are left behind to ever think about if what they did was approved by me. That is the main thing that I would not want.

It’s great to have a will, but sometimes it’s not possible. I have not looked into what could happen if you don’t have one, but I have heard a lot of horrible things; from the government being able to take over to family or friends pulling out their true colours. However I would not want anyone to be burdened with my debt.

I always found it funny that people who are left behind battle over passions and material objects like money, the fine furniture, and other things. We forget what the focus was and get lost in the grief and anger. It’s like the more you get from the person’s estate the more of the person you have. When did we forget about the memory and the love of that person to be more valuable than something that could be broken, lost or stolen?

Before the girls and DH, I wanted to donate everything of my body that I could. Then what is left give to science (as long as OB’s are not testing or practicing on me). Why? Well, because I am dead, why do I need these things? It’s quick and easy, seemed painless to those who are in charge. Not only because I am a woman and have the chance to create life, I also have the ability to save more, than a male could. Again something I have not looked into, but I understand that a woman donor could save children and other women. I believe that men could only save another man. Again this is something I really need to look into.

I wanted something small, no funeral, no sad songs, no casket, and no picture of me. I wanted everyone I knew and loved in one place, get drunk and tell stories. Besides, those stories are what matters. I often joked that the meeting be held at a bar, so that the first person who cried would get a smucked upside the head with a bottle; just to knock some sense into them. I am gone, but with all the people in that room, I am not forgotten. With everyone I know in one room, that is a piece of me in each of them. If you look very hard you’ll find me.

I do still want to donate, first to anyone in the family who needs anything than to those who are waiting. The thing that has changed is the realization that maybe the ones left behind need somewhere to mourn. Now there are more people in my life now and after watching a few deaths myself I find humans to be funny. We are mortal, yet in death our loved ones create an area for us to be remembered or rest that has marking that are stronger and lasts longer than the loved ones themselves. With this knowledge, I know my daughters, DH and the rest of the family might need that special please. Although, the only place I rest is in the hearts of my loved ones. Maybe these loved ones need this place. Who am I to begrudge that? So if they need to rest my body in the ground, urn or plot, then so be it, as long as they find peace.

The topic of keeping me falsely alive also came up. I informed her that if I am gone in spirit then I too should be gone in body. Here is my reason. To me it would be more torment for my dear loved ones. Too much stress on visiting a shell. Although my sister asked me the tough question of what is there is a chance for me to recover; the way I look at it, if I can have a quality of life that able me to care for myself and not put stress on my loved ones, then sure. If I am still a nursing mother, then keep me alive until my sister can re-lactate for my child or children. Otherwise, as hard as it will be on them, let me go.

It’s hard to see how upset my sister was to have this conversation, knowing that she and DH would be the ones responsible for ‘pulling the plug’. It’s hard to think that one day I will leave them in body form. To me if there is no good outcome, and I would cause more heartache and pain to my family, then it’s best for everyone.

When I do go, I want the people I love to remember me by going on. Mourn enough to heal the pain, but move on to bigger and better things. Talk often and stay close to each other. Go on knowing that I love them and although death might have taken my body away, I will still be alive in their stories, their happiness and their thoughts. This is the only way I would want to be kept alive.

In death I don’t want people to say how much of a good person I was, and forget my flaws. I want them to remember and learn from my downfalls. I want them to keep chugging along and live life to the fullest. When a memory comes, then let that be my love coming to them through my heart. Most of all after I am gone, I want them to keep on loving and even though there might be a void, to always remember I will be with them always. After all, they will always be with me.


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