Our Sentiments

Mothering and Life in General

Reoccuring Dreams – 1

I am very bitter today. I have not really slept. K2 went down for a nap, I laid beside her tossing and turning, anxiety creeping. What dream am I going to have now?

I have been having a few dreams that reoccur, they are exactly the same, in feeling, colour and situations. Nothing different. The most bothersome is the feeling that grips me even after I am awake. I want to share these dreams with you, not because I want to disturb the purity of minds, but because maybe if I tell their story they will stop. And I can finally sleep. Call me selfish.

DH, K2 and I live in a house with a weird set-up. The loft part is ours but to get to our own kitchen there are winding stairs and the wrong turn you can get lost. There is a woman and a man who I have creepy issues with, but DH does not seem to have an issue with them. These are the people you don’t want to run into when you take a wrong turn on the stairs.

There are thoughts of my body feeling wierd and I find out that DH has been spiking my food and drinks with drugs. DH and a man, who I have never seen, are found in the bathroom sticking needles into their arms.

Where is K2? I don’t know, but I get this really sinking feeling that something is not right. Something is happening, something really, really bad. After finding my DH now shooting up, I ask him where K2 is. I am going to leave with her, get free from this. He tells me that she is with the strange people.

My heart sinks, I don’t remember when the last time I seen her, or even when I became a mother who does not know where their child is. I curse my DH for drugging me for so long. I take the stairs to the strange people’s home, all the while DH is holding me back, like he knows something strange. I fight him. I fly down the stairs.

When I get to the area where they are, the man is touching my daughter. I find out that DH had sold K2 for drugs, and kept me drugged up so I would ‘allow it’. A tiny voice from far away says “Mommy, Boob-e-a”.

And I awaken, thanking God it’s a dream, thanking God K2 is alright. Thanking God that DH is no where close to the DH in my dream.

All K2 wants is to nurse. I lay, fighting to stay awake so I don’t go back into that dream again, or even any of the others. Only to find myself fully awake, but tired as sin. It’s 4am and I need a smoke… Sleep does not come for me.


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