Mothering and Life in General
Reoccuring Dreams – 2
I have been having a few dreams that reoccur, they are exactly the same, in feeling, colour and situations. Nothing different. The most bothersome is the feeling that grips me even after I am awake. I want to share these dreams with you, not because I want to disturb the purity of minds, but because maybe if I tell their story they will stop. And I can finally sleep. Call me selfish.
DH takes K2 out for a drive to his mother’s, and I am cleaning up the house (per usual). I get a call from the hospital for me to met the ambulance, there has been a horrible crash.
I go to the room to see K2 hooked up to life support and DH sitting with a few scrapes. He’s in tears, his mother is in tears, everyone is. In a silent voice I hear “You where right”. I turn to DH as he tells me that behind my back he forward-faced her car-seat.
I am stunned, I begin to shake, the doctor arrives to state what I already know. It’s time for K2. “NO!” I shout, not understanding why this needs to be this way. Why can’t they listen. Why do they need to be proven; have I not proved enough already? I always asked myself “What would it take for them to listen” and this is my answer.
My daughter laying in a bed too big for her, and her father crying at her hand. I don’t know what to do. After all, this is why you don’t prematurely forward-face.
I yell for the jerks to remove themselves from the room. They don’t deserve to be apart of her final time. “GET OUT” I shout until security escorts them all away.
It is then in the quiet, that I learn this too is my final time. As they pull her plug, they are pulling mine. I am numb, I feel nothing.
After the funeral I go home, already having a plan. Tonight was when she was laid to rest and next is me.
When I achieve my goal on the other side is her. She tells me that I need to go back, they are not ready for me. I cry and beg her that I need to be with her. She is the only thing in life that mattered, without her it’s not the same. She tells me that I will birth another child with another man — a Son, who will be her father. She will come back as my Grandchild, and I need to create a great father. However there is free-will and I can choose to stay.
I cry to her feet and say that I will only go back if this is what she wants. She nods to me with a smile so pure and I can clearly see, I will fulfill my promise — To be what she needs. She hugs me and tells me that this is why she chose me.
I startle awake to check K2, she’s breathing, yet I find I am holding my breath. I quietly remove myself to the bathroom so I can quietly cry. 4am and sleep still wont come.