Mothering and Life in General
There’s An Ache…
I try really hard not to bring up martial issues here. For one, for it getting back to DH, the other, because I am not sure what to do about it. Today for some reason I will risk everything to get a bit off my chest. Not for a cry for me, but to vent, and open up. To figure out which way to go, maybe writing this I will see clearer. Maybe because it’s here, it’s no longer hidden.
What triggered things is pretty fascinating. A simple status from a contact about his wife: “I am wishing my beautiful wife a happy birthday and saying what a wonderful mother she is to our brand new daughter.” What a beautiful sentiment, but I had to force a smile and be happy that he actually feels this way towards his wife. I teared up before I realized what feelings I had.
Empty? All the time.
I am not over how I became nothing once I became pregnant and I am hurt and still angry about it 4 years later. I feel invisible, worthless, abandoned and invalid. Not once did he put his hands on my belly, not once did he come shopping for the baby to be. Not once did he listen when I said I was afraid of loosing her. Not once did he say I was beautiful pregnant.
I was a beloved asset, partner in life, to a worthless bitch, who did not know what she was doing, or how she was doing it. A shell with a baby, that was hormonal, and sick and killing a child by not eating. I was a computerized generated bot that had no feelings and was made of cold steel.
DH hates me, but I love him so much. Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to avoid the person you love so much, because you are tired of getting the cold shoulder, tired of getting hurt, tired of being used for sex. To cringe at my husband’s touch because I know all he wants from me is ‘physical contact’, but he does not want me entirely. I do it anyways because it’s the closest I will be with him, but becoming pregnant again is a turn off. Vasectomies don’t always work!
He does not care what I think about, my desires, my passions, my weaknesses or strengths. I am afraid I am wearing thin, that there will be nothing left. Yet I stay, because I wait for him. I don’t know who or what to blame. I stay silent, because nothing I say will help. I stay, and I struggle with my anger afraid that one day I will hate him enough to leave.
How do you turn your back on your friend? Someone who was there for you in the past when you needed it. Supported you, never spoke one thing wrongly of you. Loved you, and told everyone about it. Worked to figure out your point of view in a fight, and vowed never to cross boundaries. Over night it was all gone. Confusion took his place, then shortly after that – resentment followed lead.
Marital counseling? Ha! Been there done that, went back for crackers! I had to go for separate counseling so he thinks there is nothing wrong with his actions, I am the ‘head case’. How do you tell him that they were counseling me to leave him? I only want him to love me back. Support me, work with me, stop thinking my thoughts as stupid, and lower than him. I want him back.
When I bring my feelings up he says to leave then, but I am not happy gone either. I miss him, I need my friend, my planned partner in life. I’ve mourned him for so long. When is my husband coming home? What did I do to make him leave? Why does he hate me so much? Was he really that person or was that a game? I am the same person with feelings, I still think family comes first. I still believe that children are a family’s most valued.
I still think about others before I think of myself. I still get frustrated at the world, and read, and study and research. I am still a geek with the sad eyes. I am still me, just with a slightly larger ass. But I am slowly becoming invisible. I am slowly closing off, I am slowly not caring, and I am slowly getting scared. I just got pregnant, it was consensual, it was planned! Both our faults!
What have we become? What have we done?