Mothering and Life in General
One Year of Blogging
I have thought for a long time now, why I chose the name Our Sentiments. Looking over the ramblings that I felt enough emotion to write about, there seems to be no common ground. Nothing close to where I thought things would go. So I thought…
A year ago, I was sitting at this same desk, close to completing my one hit wonder. I was tormented with this guilt, frustration and despair. I had a beautiful two and a half year old, and Christmas was just around the corner. Breastfeeding was wonderful, under the conditions I was under. DH and I were finally meeting eye-to-eye. Yet, I still felt empty.
I have suffered from depression ever since I can remember, and I know how that feels. This was something more, like a black hole that kept on sucking me in, every night. There was no rope to grab onto, and no one around could understand nor knew how to help me. So I put a happy face on, but I was drowning inside.
Eight-teen Months ago, I took to my desk and continued writing K2’s first 14 days, in which I started when she was 18 months old. What nobody knew then, was that every paragraph was from one more sleepless night filled with the dreams and fears I had from my experience. I was raw and open, and I just did not understand why I could not be like the other mothers who were in the same place I was. They saw what I saw, they felt what I felt. Why was I not normal?
I wrote another paragraph, went outside and cried a bit more, I’d think there has to be something, anything to ease my pain. I felt so alone, so hallow. K2 made me smile but I often questioned what she really saw when she looked into my eyes. Could she see me, was I really there or was I lost forever? I did medications, but I stopped, only because most of them made me feel nothing. Nothing.
I did not feel even for my child. I continued to go through the motions of life, without any attachment to them. Things that would matter, didn’t. Things that I would enjoy, I could care less about. And sex drive, well that was not even very great from breastfeeding then you add-on side effects. Ya, I looked like a human, but I was only breathing. I did not think, my brain clouded. I looked in the mirror and I did not know who I was.
I weaned off (under doctor’s care), and never looked back, I would rather to feel empty than nothing for my daughter. I want K2 to know that feelings are ok, that you don’t need to cover them up. So I decided to take it head on. I will strap myself in and I will allow myself to fall, because when you are down, there is nowhere to go but up.
So the dreams came back, and I was alone in the night. I took to computer again and again. I searched, I read, and I spoke to other mothers and birthing educators. Months of reading and doing a bit of writing, and deleting. Then I came about, The Unnecesarean, My OB Said What?, The Business of Being Born and a dear Birthing Educator, who I will remain nameless until she gives me permission.
More of my grounding started to crumble, because I did have a great birth, I remember K2’s birth with pride. Yes, I wanted to have K2 at home. Since I knew I would not circumcise, if ‘she’ turned out to be a ‘he’, and there was no option – I was going to breastfeed. I decided I would compromise with DH and have the baby at the hospital.
To find out so many things about the interventions during my wonderful birth that caused K2 and I to experience what we did. Then for them to allow me to leave that hospital, knowing I already had Postpartum Depression, thinking everything was my fault. For 2 years I felt like my body failed me. When K2 was 6 months old, I allowed DH to get snipped because my body rejects my babies and I was happy with one. Only to find that had they not broke my waters, and put me on medications again to stop the contractions, things could have been very much different.
I cried a bit more, and I wrote a bit more, and I was cleansing. I could finally see that there was nothing that I could have done, it was not me at all. I allowed myself the time to find the answers I needed, to pull some what of myself together. I wrote when I awoke in the middle of the night, palms sweaty and dry mouthed. I read when I was afraid to sleep. I edited when I was nursing. Completing our story, to say every dirty thought I had, was on top priority. To get it off my shoulders and out for all to see. Ah, closure.
On November 14, 2009, I completely finished our story the best way I knew how. I wrote it for the March of Dimes, I was floored to find that I could not be included in the quilt, because I am not from the States. So I thought at least it’s done, it’s finished. The file was on my computer, nagging at me. It needed to be read by others.
So I opened a blog, the first one had K2’s real name in it. I was not thinking very much then. I posted it, and I was done with it. It was out, and off my computer. My feelings were no longer a dirty secret. Then on The Unnecesarean Facebook Fan Page, Jill was questing for Prematurity Awareness Stories. So I wrote her that I had one, that I posted on my blog a few days earlier, and if she would like to share with her fans, I would be honored.
On November 24, 2009, Jill had posted, and my site had over 100 hits. Her FB link filled with love and encouragement. It was something I really needed. I connected with more mothers who have been through the same pain as I was, and I felt normal again. Mothers are supposed to care about their babies, and this is a problem that needs to be stopped. Most of all, I was given the words to know what I feel is very real and valid.
I did eventually change my site location and username only because I was not aware that I would get so much traffic (not that I am complaining, I just wish I thought things out more clearly). I really thought it would go on ignored. So for some form of privacy, in the sense of being anonymous, I changed the site to Our Sentiments.
My thinking then was this would be the place I’d run too in the night, when I could not sleep or I waken from flashbacks. I would come here and write about something uplifting, something important or sentiments through a mothers eyes. However, how can you write happy thoughts, when you don’t always feel them?
It took awhile to know that everything here are sentiments no matter what way you look at it. Whatever the topic, all entries are pieces of me, that stems from that first emotional entry November: Prematurity Awareness Month. Nothing I could write will ever be as powerful as this piece, because everything else comes from this main experience. It made me who I am and how my views have changed.
So happy one year of blogging! I will be forever grateful for this tiny space of internet to pour out my heart and soul and the readers who can, unfortunately, know my pain and walk it with me. I no longer feel alone and I have you to thank.