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Mothering and Life in General

He Said He Wanted To Be A Family

We’ve been together for almost 7 years. Since becoming pregnant we’ve had some really rocky moments. Years ago he said he wanted a family, yet he now stays in his room. Years ago he said he wanted to go old with me, yet now, he says I am the cause to every problem. After a big blow-out a few days ago, and a lot of hurtful things said. I think this is the beginning of the end.

I don’t know how you single mothers do it. I think I need some advice. I am actually so torn up now. I have covered up my teary eyes. You can’t just let tears come when a child is in the room. How do you explain to her, that we are going away? It kills me that what I wanted for her will not happen. She looks at me with big blue eyes, she trusts me with her life. How do tell her that we screwed it up?

I tried the other day. She teared up and told me no. She told me she did not want to go. She wants to stay where Daddy and Mommy is. This is her home.

For over 4 years, I have wondered what went wrong. I have been in complete emptiness, questioning my every move. He stays in the bedroom, watching TV, he comes and goes at will. He does not know her shoe size, her clothing size, he’s never taught her one thing for school. I have to edit videos before she gets older, so she does not know, that Daddy was never really here.

Sure there are my faults, truthfully I am clueless to what they are. As soon as I got pregnant, I focused all my effort to that. I was so afraid of loosing her, since I have lost 2 in my past. I was yelled at for being sick. I was told that it didn’t matter anyway, I was just going to lose it anyways. He never touched my belly, nor tried to understand pregnancy.

When other friends would come over in their pregnant state, he would offer food and water or a place to sit. Meanwhile on bedrest, he would cook his own food and I was left to sit on a chair while I cooked mine.

Him and his family tried to live life as if we were separated. Trying to do things behind my back. They would make breastfeeding hard to do, and mothering even harder. He would spend more and more time away from me. He left me when I needed him the most. This is so hard to admit, because people think “What a stupid girl”.

He gets mad that I did not go back to work, even though I would be paying Daycare for me to work. I open our home so I can do Daycare, but even though I would be bringing home more money that way, that is not good enough.

So now I am cancer, feeding off of him. I am a user and he wants me out of his life. He used every past hurtful childhood story and twisted them to his own device. He does not know me. I feel empty, I know he does not love me, so why does this hurt so much?

Maybe because we had plans, maybe because we have a child. Maybe it’s because I was stupid enough to believe, I was worth more than what’s between my legs. It could be because he showed me something I never knew before. I never knew how it felt to be the only person in another’s eyes, never knew what it felt like to feel comfortable with another person.

Will she ever forgive me? This is the worse mistake I have ever made. Now I have to get things in order, I need to get things packed up. But I know with every box I pack up, it’s packing up a dream that was never meant to be. Will I be strong this time when I leave, or will he come to me and say things will change. Will I stupidly believe him? Will I stupidly still love him?

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4 responses to “He Said He Wanted To Be A Family

  1. Violetsoufflle January 23, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Oh my. Lots of love to you.
    You’re not a failure. This isn’t your fault. An yes, you are strong enough to move on. Its not necessary to explain to her that you’re leaving him, if he’s never around she will be used to missing him. I would just arrange everything quietly, not involving her emotionally. Let her know you’re going away, keep your words and face neutral, because Shes probably reacting to the pain she is sensing in you. It will either make you feel free and happy or it won’t, and if it’s thefirst you can enjoy it, if it’s second, it will give you an opportunity to begin sorting things out with him.

  2. Christy January 23, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I cried with you reading this. My heart aches and I do not want to sound cliche but must say it anyways. You are better of without him. More importantly, your daughter is better off without him. She deserves to be surrounded with people who love and adore her. People who are willing to do anything, even lay down their life for her. I do not know all of the circumstances on if you guys have tried counseling or other ways to work it out before. If you think you should try to stay then thats an option but if its truly over then its most likely best for oyu and your daughter to leave and just focus on loving each other.

  3. Melodie January 30, 2011 at 1:34 am

    Some of this I can relate to, which really breaks my heart for the both of us. Things have gotten better and I do believe my husband loves me dearly but just doesn’t know how to be a good dad/husband sometimes. Your daughter will forgive both of you because she will come to see that your being apart is more good than not. It will just take some time, but you will get through it. I’m glad I came by today. Thanks for leaving your comment so I could find you again.

  4. Shawna January 30, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Hugs . . . I’m sending you well wishes during this painful time!

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