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When I say…

When I say I love you, my breath catches, my eyes water, and my heart increases in size.

When I  say I love you, I feel the need to express my feelings in which words often fail.

When I say I love you, I am saying I am honored to be apart of your life, and watch you grow up.

When I say I love you, I think about you, which reminds me that you are the only choice I’ve done right.

When I look into your blue eyes and whisper I love you, it means I will never do anything that would risk loosing you.

When I say I love you, it means that you can count on me when everyone checks out.

When I say I love you, it means in the creation of you your being also infused into every broken piece of my heart.

When I say I love you, there is not a moment in your day, that I would rather not be apart of.

When I say I love you, what I am really saying is, this world is a better place now that you’re in it; and I am a better person now, that I know you.

^ I know it’s not working, but after an hour of trying to fix the link it still wont play. Just click on the link and you can hear this great song.

Changing My Career Goals

This post sort of scares me, because once I post this it will be out in the open. I don’t even know how life will go. I have done a lot of thinking about my future, about where in the working life I would be best in. For years my direction was IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). As I waited for K2 to come of age where I can go out of the home to take classes, and my Home Daycare to settle a bit, I continuously thought about how will I get my IBCLC?

In all my stressing, it’s coming to almost 3 years that I have been a volunteer breastfeeding mom-to-mom support. I love speaking with women about their births and about their child or children. I loved passing down the torch to another mother to carry on the breastfeeding tradition. What I hated, was it was only on the phone and I was only a volunteer.

There were so many times I wish I could climb through that phone and sit on the family’s couch to see the latch, to get a feel for the home, and look into the mom’s eyes to say I believe in her. Just watch as the parents fall more in love with their newly born infant. I also imagined the good I was doing in supporting a mom, when she had no one else around.

Sadly, this volunteer group is what really made my mind up. Through this volunteer group, only one of my mom’s made it to 6 months exclusively breastfeeding. I feel I am apart a Boobie Trap, I give referrals to the requested clinics, and the moms are then formula feeding. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But these moms come to groups such as what I volunteer for and Breastfeeding Clinics for Breastfeeding solutions. To me, I let these moms down.

I don’t want to be an IBCLC anymore, not saying that being an IBCLC is bad, just some of the information I hear from a few of their mouths, really shake up my head.  In all my confusing thoughts about this goal, they went and changed the requirements for 2012, making it harder to get anyways. I will have to go to college for some form of nursing. Then work in the field of nursing until I gain my hours to sit for the IBCLC Exam. No offense, but Nursing is just not for me. Just being at the hospital, will be triggering.

Please don’t get me wrong being any form of Nurse or an IBCLC is an honorable career, don’t taken anything I am writing as offensive. I just want something different. I want to get away from anything medicalized, where there are no restrictions on how close I can get to the family. I have spoken many times to a PSW friend of mine, on how I can’t put my game face on and not give that extra attention. How I don’t want to get desensitized, in the medical world, being as I am in my nature. I don’t want to change myself, to be good at my job, I want my job to be customizing to me.

I want to be away from my family and not feel that being away is a waste of time. I want K2 to look at me as she grows up and be proud of what she changed me to be. I want to help mothers, fathers and their babies, not only to breastfeed but as a whole. After some time of thinking, I can’t believe I have not seen this before.

So here goes, I want to be a Postpartum Doula and a Breastfeeding Counselor. I know a Breastfeeding Counselor seems like a step down from an IBCLC. However, I feel that there is less Patient-Medical Professional lines. I can sit in a family’s home, I can show Dad how he can help. I feel I have a lot to give a family, from my almost 4 years of hell. I can even teach classes if I choose to do so. Eventually as K2 grows, I might get into doing Labor work. For now I am pretty excited, I can start now and not have to wait, I just have to figure out what class.

It’s scary though, to change your path, after years of thinking one goal. I think this is better for me, better for my family, and hopefully better for others as well. It’s scary, but I know things will work out. So for now, I am a book worm, and getting tips from others. From reading a description of one course, a friend told me I already do the same things now, but for free. I think this will be good. I think I will be fulfilled. I think it will show K2 that you don’t have to stay in a job that you hate.

I guess what I am saying is, I never really thought things through before. I don’t want to treat a person, I want to be apart of their support team. So there goes another chapter in the strange life of me. I am happy and settled to see where this takes me. Just in case, keep your fingers crossed anyway.


He Said He Wanted To Be A Family

We’ve been together for almost 7 years. Since becoming pregnant we’ve had some really rocky moments. Years ago he said he wanted a family, yet he now stays in his room. Years ago he said he wanted to go old with me, yet now, he says I am the cause to every problem. After a big blow-out a few days ago, and a lot of hurtful things said. I think this is the beginning of the end.

I don’t know how you single mothers do it. I think I need some advice. I am actually so torn up now. I have covered up my teary eyes. You can’t just let tears come when a child is in the room. How do you explain to her, that we are going away? It kills me that what I wanted for her will not happen. She looks at me with big blue eyes, she trusts me with her life. How do tell her that we screwed it up?

I tried the other day. She teared up and told me no. She told me she did not want to go. She wants to stay where Daddy and Mommy is. This is her home.

For over 4 years, I have wondered what went wrong. I have been in complete emptiness, questioning my every move. He stays in the bedroom, watching TV, he comes and goes at will. He does not know her shoe size, her clothing size, he’s never taught her one thing for school. I have to edit videos before she gets older, so she does not know, that Daddy was never really here.

Sure there are my faults, truthfully I am clueless to what they are. As soon as I got pregnant, I focused all my effort to that. I was so afraid of loosing her, since I have lost 2 in my past. I was yelled at for being sick. I was told that it didn’t matter anyway, I was just going to lose it anyways. He never touched my belly, nor tried to understand pregnancy.

When other friends would come over in their pregnant state, he would offer food and water or a place to sit. Meanwhile on bedrest, he would cook his own food and I was left to sit on a chair while I cooked mine.

Him and his family tried to live life as if we were separated. Trying to do things behind my back. They would make breastfeeding hard to do, and mothering even harder. He would spend more and more time away from me. He left me when I needed him the most. This is so hard to admit, because people think “What a stupid girl”.

He gets mad that I did not go back to work, even though I would be paying Daycare for me to work. I open our home so I can do Daycare, but even though I would be bringing home more money that way, that is not good enough.

So now I am cancer, feeding off of him. I am a user and he wants me out of his life. He used every past hurtful childhood story and twisted them to his own device. He does not know me. I feel empty, I know he does not love me, so why does this hurt so much?

Maybe because we had plans, maybe because we have a child. Maybe it’s because I was stupid enough to believe, I was worth more than what’s between my legs. It could be because he showed me something I never knew before. I never knew how it felt to be the only person in another’s eyes, never knew what it felt like to feel comfortable with another person.

Will she ever forgive me? This is the worse mistake I have ever made. Now I have to get things in order, I need to get things packed up. But I know with every box I pack up, it’s packing up a dream that was never meant to be. Will I be strong this time when I leave, or will he come to me and say things will change. Will I stupidly believe him? Will I stupidly still love him?

Ok, I Suck at Giving Gifts!

A Danish Christmas tree illuminated with burni...

Image via Wikipedia

I love giving gifts. I just love it. The person’s face when they receive that timely wrapped gift, knowing I thought about them. The understanding that I could have been through several stores before I finally found the one that called their name. The anticipation of what they will say and knowing that every time they see or use their gift they know they are loved and thought of.

The gift, no matter the price tag that comes along with it, is an important way to tell someone they are worth knowing. The time it takes for the giver to achieve their goal can be long and frustrating. Mounds of people to circle, the endless out of stock places and you can never forget the other bitter people running around trying to look for the same thing.

But when you reach your goal, there are trumpets playing and fireworks. And I can never put into words the feelings I feel. It’s trying to find that gift that says it all, the gift that will be used over and over. The timeless gift that keeps on giving.

This year, since K2 is growing out of all her toys and things to do, I started Christmas shopping in the summer. It’s a good thing too, because DH ended up quitting his full-time job, leaving his part-time job stretched for bills and rent. It’s a slim christmas this year, but not only because of money but because I have a problem.

In finding that gift, that I feel that she will just love, I end up being like a child who knows there is cake on the table. I have to see her face, I have to see how she will play with it. I have to know if she likes it. When I say I have to, I mean have to. I have to stop myself from giving her the gifts prior to the occasion.

This year I bought her a Leapster Explorer. Well I thought for the price of $90.00 Canadian including tax, that is a lot money. What if she does not like it? Then I will have to wait until after boxing week to take it back. Then all the sales would be gone, and there is $90.00 less of gifts I could have given her. So I gave it to her, and she loves it. Just like how I thought. She has played with her Explorer since. Then I thought well the one Leaplet Application (we chose a book) is not going to do her any good, and the demos, well that gets boring. So I let her open the Petpal game.

She loves that too, just the way I thought she would. She plays with that every day. I love seeing all the different things she learns, how her pink puppy is giving her the interest to print again. I love giving her high-fives when she finally retains her goals. She loves it. Then I thought since she loves the Leapster so much, I will get her more games and Leaplet Cards, Oh, and the camera that goes with it too. Have to get the camera, she will LOVE it. I can see her face, she will enjoy it. She will be able to have her own camera and video recorder and leave my camera alone. This will be perfect.

I go back to Toys R Us, and I buy her the Explorer Mr. Pencil, Dora, carrying case and camera. Came home and wrapped it fast, because if I don’t wrap it, I will give it. Well, it helps me not to give it. Ok, to be honest it delays it a few days to a week.

Then one night I had little self-control. I started to get curious about what the camera does. How much fun would it be? So after about 2 hours of thinking I will not give it to her. I gave it to her. And of course, she loves it, she took pictures of her lap, eye, Meekah (our cat), Daddy on the toilet, Daddy sleeping, and one of me when I first wake up. Maybe the camera was not such a good idea, but she loves it and it helps to express herself. And I love watching her have fun with it. I love how she comes to show me what she’s done. The camera also created new rules of the house, for instance, we don’t take pictures of people naked and on the toilet, but it worked out. Just like I envisioned. And I am glad.

I suck at giving gifts or maybe it’s just me sucking at waiting. By the time the occasion is over, I spend well more than I wanted too. It’s not just K2, its everyone. Before K2, I bought DH 4 gifts one year, because I just had to see his face. I bought my father several gifts as well, which is sad because it’s tradition to gift him Turtles. Dad knows what he’s getting, he expects it every year. I give it anyways, because giving makes me feel good, and I make the other person feel good too. In that feeling, in that gesture that person knows how very much they are loved.

Right now, I have all the gifts all wrapped up and under the tree. Do I care if she gets at them, not really, because they are calling my name, they tell me to give them to her. They all tell me they want to play with K2. Not that they really talk to me, it’s my lack of self-control. It’s the picture in my head of the joy that I can give her, it’s the meaning of giving that I just can’t wait for.

The excitement and the knowledge that I know my daughter more than I thought I did. That she learns I have more fun with giving than receiving. I hope she gets the bug too, because I give because I want too, not because I have too. I love giving, I love buying – the crowds not so much, but I can over look that.

So, it’s less than a week until Christmas, and it’s so hard for me to hold back. But I am doing good this year, I did not give her as much as I did last year. The anticipation is KILLING me. I hold back, and I smile. I know she will love her train set. I know she will love her blocks. I know the Thomas Train I picked out for her will be played with, and those PJs will look so cute. Most of all, I know that the gifts really don’t matter, it’s the feelings we all have for each other. I know this Christmas will be as great as the last, because we all have each other, and we love to give the gifts of thoughtful love.

Deep down inside Christmas can’t come fast enough. Next task is holding out for her Birthday. Wish me luck!

Mother The Mother, So She Can Mother The Child

The Passage of Time

Image by ToniVC via Flickr

I came across that statement years ago when K2 was young. I thought ‘Yes! Finally someone gets it!’ – But did everyone else? What does this statement actually mean and how does it differ from the mainstream thoughts of Parental help?

In my eyes, the last thing I wanted was ‘help’ from family and friends. Not only because growing up I learned that I have to be extremely self-sufficient, but because the help that is given is not always the help that is needed. Usually their ‘help’ was more of the take-the-baby-away-so-mom-can-(insert whatever). Which may help at times, but it should not be the only plan of action. Especially, when the mother and child is breastfeeding.

I don’t understand why, 3 years later, it’s the same norm statement, “You need time for yourself, how about I take K2 for the night”. It’s great they offer, it’s lovely that they care, please don’t get me wrong. But how is that helping my house get cleaned, my cluttered mind stop, or just the constant same-day-every-day routines? Which in fact, is the reason I am always stressed out anyways. Sure, I could do the house work and certainly K2 being at someone else’s home for the night would be a change from the routine. However, it also would add to my cluttered mind. Is she sleeping? Is she asking for me? Is she behaving? Is she ok? Would they call me when she asks for me or would they brush it off as a no-need?

I have so much to do, and I find myself at the end of the day with so little time with K2. I lay in bed thinking, if I did not have to do dishes, I would be able to play with K2 more. If I did not have to clean and organize the house for my business, I would have more time with K2. If I did not feel drained about being drained. I would not use nap-time for me-time instead of clean-time and I would have more time with K.

I can only speak for myself, and how I see things, which is usually different from everyone else. I can tell you I am from a different sort of mold and my thinking has been known to be out in left field. But I like my train of thought, and life works for me picking daisies. Here, is where I think about the hows and whys of life. Let me tell you, Left Field has me thinking this ‘help’ is really counter-productive.

I wake up in sorts. The house is a disaster, there is paint on the floor, there is cut paper in teeny-tiny pieces. There is Cheerios, there are clothing. I scan across the toys and the dishes from the night before. I was just too tired and worn to do the night clean up and now I am in a mood. I don’t expect my home to be on the cover of Home Magazine, but I do expect that when people came by that I would not have to be running around either. It’s Sunday, the day of rest, and I have a child coming the next day. I am stuck cleaning, and it’s going to take all day.

I am out of sorts by the time DH comes out and he wonders why I am so frazzled. Well, not very many people would think highly of dropping their child off at an untidied home. DH will roll his eyes and say the house is not that bad and go back to watch TV in the bedroom. After a few hours of cleaning and finally I totally LOOSE IT. That is when I see him again. He will ask what is wrong, and I will tell him that I have done nothing but clean all day – the same three rooms. Every time I came back to the one I just finished, it’s like I never even started.

His solution is simple, he will take K out. He needs to go to the mall anyways – how convenient. I shout at him “K2 IS NOT THE PROBLEM! HELP ME”. That argument never ends nicely because he replies that he is indeed helping me (he’s staying out of my way). Sure, I can get the house done faster without K2 being here, but what about solving the issue in the beginning? How about taking some stress of me? How about getting off your lazy rear and h-e-l-p me!

You see, everyone loves doing the fun things in life. It’s fun having fun with the children. It’s fun taking them out, and watching them do fun things and explore their world. But while I am at home frantically cleaning and getting pissed off even more that I am stuck here, I am thinking about the time that I am missing with K2.

So here is the bottom line, when you want to help – help. Sometimes people don’t know what they want, I know it’s taken me years to get that down pat. But mother the mother, so she has enough energy and TIME to mother the child. Because that is why we became mothers. To stare into our newborn’s eyes, to wrap that curly lock around our finger. To feel the tiny fist hold your finger. That is what we need. That is what makes us whole. That what we need you to help us get back too.

How about checking off some items on the list of things-to-do? Spending some time at the mother’s home before the baby arrives to see how she does things so you can do them ‘just so’ when the baby arrives (perfect baby shower gift – hint, hint). Bring over some meals, sweep up a room, read a story to the older child while the mother listens in and nurses her newborn close by. Do a grocery run for her. Ask her what she needs to do that day, and help her do it while getting in some adult conversation. How about giving the mom time, because we run out of that so fast. Give the gift of ‘nothing to do’, the gift of more experiences with her children. Because that is what makes the world happy. That is what makes the family. That is the foundation of all good things.

That is what I take from ‘Mother the mother, so she can mother the child’. When you come across a new mom, a depressed mom, a stressed mom, or a perfectionist mom. Help her out and give her the gift of Time this holiday season.