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Tag Archives: Future Self

What Would She Say?

I was graced with reading a post on MomSquawk’s Facebook Page written by Sharon Nezer called “The Mother I never Thought I Would Become”. It’s a short post, but a true one. As I was reading I wondered what would my past me would think, feel or say about me.

If she were to get a glimpse of her future self, would it scare her out of her wits? The person who never left the house without make up, or sporting a nice get-up? Would she scream in anger to her future self about how she let herself go? The puffy eyes, the endless nights, no reading, writing or TV watching. No sleep in Sundays, or mournful Mondays, no days off and most certainly no vacations.

Would she see how lonely she would become, and how resentful she would be? Would she see that the only thing left in her relationship; is a shell that looks like the man she now loves? Would she look into my eyes and judge me for bothering, for trying, for being so empty so long? Would she say, “No, not her” and run cowering away, afraid for the things to come?

Would she wait long enough to see why her future self would do it all over again? The expired makeup, the missed meals, the sweats, and the permanent pony-tail? Would she see the reason for the troubles, and that this family is worth fighting for? Would she see it’s not wrinkles, but laugh lines, and that there is something bigger than herself?

Would she see that although it was hard to create the career, that this is where she was meant to be? Could she understand enough about the growth in life and how differently we live our lives? Would she see the body, that not only birthed a child, but was that very child’s first home? Would she see herself in the same light as before?

Would she take my hand and look into my eyes and know what needed to be done? Would she live out her life, knowing, wanting and waiting for this great change in her life to come? Would she see herself inside this much different looking woman before her? Would she dread the day that gray hair became to time-consuming to matter?

As she looked at me, would she take enough time to see her daughter, hiding behind my leg? Would she see her own eyes staring back at her? Would her heart melt during that moment? Would she then see that this is what truly matters? Would this daughter to come, give her hope and some purpose for her near future?

Would she nod her head and smile at me, and know this is all worth it? Sure she might not look the same, and it’s not everything she dreamed, but would she do it? Would she continue life as it is and have that child she always dreamed of? Would she be more excepting than I am now, that with this child, she will lose her partner in life?

I hope she would, because even though I continue to hurt everyday. Sometimes, things in life, there is more than the picture you try to paint. I know her future self would do it all over again. She may wished she chose different people or things at times. But this child is more worth it, then she could ever imagine. And I would most certainly do it over again.

Would she see that, think that and know that, just by looking at her future self?